You’re about to learn how to create and cultivate a Michelin-star quality romantic partnership!
Whether you’re single and looking to attract or find a partner, or you want to explore the potential of the partnership you’re already in (and maybe level it up), this article is here to give you inspiration and guidance.
In this article, you'll be offered insights into what it takes to create a Michelin-star quality relationship, from having a growth mindset to understanding the difference between standards and expectations.
You’ll learn about the importance of practising unconditional love and simultaneously being very honest with yourself about how you feel.
And much more! Please enjoy.
It’s easy to think you’re asking for too much, or being too picky when it comes to relationships. When dating, it can feel like an impossible task to find a great match. You might think that it’s just not realistic to find a loving relationship that isn’t kind of crappy.
However, when you think about it, your romantic relationship is one of the most fundamental pillars of your life as an adult. Why would you NOT have high standards about it?!
When I met my now fiancé, I told him that I was only interested in building a relationship that would be a Michelin-star quality experience for both partners.
I didn’t just want someone to have an ok time with and share a warm bed with.
I knew I wanted a relationship that would make me feel a “HELL YES!” kind of enthusiasm, including in hard times!
I knew I wanted a relationship that would be a beautiful, luxurious vehicle for us both to grow as people and as a team.
It was exactly what he was looking for as well. And that’s exactly what we've been creating, from that first date onward. I’m telling you this for you to know it’s possible.
I’m also telling you this because I want you to understand that I’ve personally taken all the steps listed below and that I can tell you from both personal and professional experience (as a Licensed Psychologist) that they work.
I want to encourage you to keep an open mind to your own potential, and other people’s potential.
You’ll always be attractive to (and attracted to) people who fit with where you are now in your emotional development. So as you level up your relationship skills and standards, and who isn’t interested in settling for less, you’ll end up naturally attracting people who are on your wavelength.
New people will appear on your radar, and often people who are already in your life will be inspired to grow with you.
But what exactly is possible in romantic relationships?
What can you ask for?
Let’s explore that next!
Let’s start by defining what a Michelin-star quality relationship actually is!
A Michelin-star quality romantic relationship goes beyond merely being together; it’s about flourishing together!
It entails both partners actively prioritizing their own, and each others’ well-being to bring out the best in each other. There’s deep devotion, that both partners show in creative and fun ways.
It's also a conscious partnership where both take responsibility for their past emotional wounds and work together to prevent them from harming the relationship.
This naturally involves practising curiosity and mindfulness of one’s own, and the other’s behavior.
Therapeutic interventions like Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy can be extremely helpful for becoming aware of and healing old emotional baggage.
How many first dates would you be willing to go on to find a Michelin-star quality relationship?
How many therapy sessions would you be willing to go to, to learn to not repeat past mistakes?
How many hours of practicing mindful listening are you willing to do, to be ready to stay compassionate when your partner is having a hard time?
Which difficult feelings of yours are you ready to face to stay calm when they show up in your relationship?
Creating a Michelin-star quality relationship takes effort.
It takes cultivating an appetite for awareness and overcoming obstacles to love.
However, it’s an investment of time and energy that has truly excellent ROI!
Do a post-mortem of your past romantic relationships, paying special attention to those that feel more charged with emotion.
(Any romantic experiences that feel especially painful or intense are usually a big flashing neon sign pointing at your early attachment experiences with your caregivers.
You can likely benefit massively from bringing those topics to therapy. I recommend Internal Family Systems Therapy (IFS), as it effectively helps heal old attachment wounding.)
Examine your own behaviour in past romantic relationships - How did you not live up to the standards you’re now setting for your Michelin-star quality relationship? Why was that?
Remember to be genuinely curious, like you’re a scientist or engineer deconstructing why an experiment went the way it did.
Examine the behaviour of your exs - How did they not live up to the new standards you’re setting for what would feel truly exciting to see in a partner?
Be as honest with yourself as possible, allowing yourself to fully acknowledge your own past experiences, with compassion.
The more aware you become of your past experiences, and the more adult and compassionate you can feel toward your past, the freer you will be to make fresh new mistakes, instead of the same old ones!
Set standards for which skills, behaviours and qualities both you and any partner of yours need to embody to have a Michelin-star quality relationship.
This is something people often get confused about. Remember that your partner absolutely needs to fulfil certain needs, but not all your needs. That’s what we have friends for. Often what’s most important is a willingness and enthusiasm to try new things.
So even if you really want to be with another salsa dancer or rock climber, perhaps you’ll find that certain inner qualities, like having a growth mindset are more important for a high-quality relationship.
This way you’ll stay open to being surprised and delighted by new people, who may seem different from what you’re looking for, at first glance. And who knows, maybe you'll both learn to love new things through each other!
No one’s perfect. But we’re all amazing, in different ways.
The important thing is that you both have what it takes to make you both feel deeply excited about building a relationship together.
While you clarify your standards, it’s crucial to simultaneously let go of any expectation that any particular person should be able to meet your standards and share them with you.
Try to see people for who they really are. Stay curious about their willingness and capacity, and let them show you where they’re at on their own emotional development journey.
Practice loving them unconditionally as they are.
Evaluate how you feel about continuing to create a relationship with them. If they’re a great match for you to create a Michelin-star quality relationship, you most likely won’t even have to ask the question. It’ll be obvious.
If in doubt, get really honest with yourself, and ask them questions about what you want to know more about.
Also, give yourself space and time to experiment and learn.
When aiming to create a Michelin-star quality relationship, it’s crucial to really own how excited you feel about this vision for your future. As you own and embody your excitement, and as you yourself treat people you date and meet in accordance with your new standards, you’ll clearly and easily see if someone is a great match for you or not.
(Most likely you’ll blow a lot of people’s minds as well, while you’re at it). The people who are not a great match will be cynical, upset or threatened by your standards.
The people who are a great match for you will agree with you completely, and excitedly!
If you notice that it’s difficult to get excited, it can be very helpful to notice any parts of you that are bringing up doubt or cynicism and attend to them with a lot of curiosity and warmth.
Feelings like that are what we call “secondary emotions”, meaning there’s a primary feeling underneath, usually fear or sadness. When you can access the primary feeling and care for it, like you’d care for someone you love, you’ll naturally feel the excitement about your new standards!
A good Internal Family Systems therapist can help you do this very efficiently.
The basis for creating a Michelin-star quality relationship is having a strong growth mindset. This means that you and your partner both wish to develop and flourish as individuals and as a couple and are excited to figure out how to do that.
It’s crucial to see mistakes in the relationship as natural and to prioritize making fresh new mistakes instead of the same ones over and over again.
Creating and playing with sexual energy in a committed relationship is a whole art form. Learn about how to consciously work with polarity in your relationship, to experience more harmony at home and to master how to create sexual tension.
Get ambitious about showing your love for your partner. Keep trying different ways, and make time to relax and have high-quality fun together. Having new experiences together, especially slightly scary ones (not too scary though!) can really help rekindle a sense of excitement in the other.
Having a system of regularly having new kinds of romantic fun together is crucial.
When dating, date with the wish that you and each person you meet have a great outcome in your love lives.
Wish them well, whether you end up being together or not. And wish yourself well. Cultivate this kind of generous attitude of true love. How would you feel going on a date with someone that has that kind of attitude toward you?
In a relationship, truly care for the well-being of your partner, your relationship, and yourself. Equally.
Focus your energy on seeing problems as a team, and resolve them in inventive ways that elevate your partner, yourself, and your relationship.
See ruptures as an opportunity for more trust and intimacy, through getting to know the other person even better and treating them with love when things are hard and confusing.
This is very hard to explain and is extremely counter-intuitive to most people, so don’t worry if it doesn’t make a lot of sense.
On one level, having a great quality of life, a loving partnership etc, are obviously things that make for a lot of happiness. It’s great to put in time and effort to get those things.
On another level, if we’re energetically closed in the present moment we will be miserable, no matter the wonders around us.
Equally, the more we open our hearts and relax our bodies open in this present moment, the more deep happiness and bliss we feel, even in difficult times.
There’s no permanence in outcomes. They change all the time.
Relying only on getting what you want to make you happy is like exhaustedly darting here and there to catch the next thing. It’s important to work for what you want, but it’s not enough in itself.
When you can surrender open to the happiness that is in you in this present moment, by loving as much of this moment as you can, you become incredibly attractive.
You shine with openness, love, groundedness, and serenity.
So accept everything about this present moment, including the desire to find a wonderful relationship, and feel that your happiness is always and already in this moment, as it is.
Keep owning your feelings, and doing what feels right for you, while opening up to this moment.
Remember that just like in the restaurant world, complacency (from either you or your partner) is a recipe for losing your Michelin-star.
Maintaining your Michelin-star relationship status needs to be built into the foundations of the relationship, for both partners.
The optimal is to keep looking at opportunities to get another Michelin star, and then another, through proactively continuing to deepen, grow, and develop your romantic relationship.
Remember that it’s not about jumping through hoops and “performing” though. It’s about repeatedly slowing down, listening to what you, your partner, and your relationship need to flourish, and then attending to that.
And then enjoying the ride.
In order to get the most out of what you just read, take a few minutes to answer these questions!
(Or if you want to dive deeper, go ahead and journal about these questions!)
What thoughts did this article bring up for you?
What did you learn from reading this article?
What action steps will you take based on what you learnt?
What could be the next, ridiculously small thing you could do to get moving on that?
Enjoy the ride, and have fun creating deeper love and more excitement in your life!
Lots of love,
Sara